Global Warming Hoax Hoax

(Okay, so I said that this blog was over, but this one I couldn't resist)
BREAKING NEWS!

The hoax about global warming being a government scheme has actually revealed to be a government scheme so that they could save money.

Global warming. Or climate change, as some like to call it. Or the greenhouse effect, as other like to call it. Of course, these 'some' and 'others' are actually idiots since the three are completely different things, but oh well. Anyway, if you've been living in a box for the last couple of years, let me tell you some news.

Firstly, Osama bin Laden has actually been found and killed, rendering my preivous article completely null. I still suspect secretly that the US government read my post, and used my extremely clever 'webcam Dixons' trick to track him down. Anyway, that's great, a figurehead of terrorism has been killed, and it's not like figureheads of ideologies can be easily replaced, can they? Oh wait, they can. Oops.

Secondly, and back to my original point, you probably won't know what global warming is, having been in a box and all. So here is what it is: the Earth is getting warmer. Recent scientific traits have shown that global climate temperatures have gone up by a fraction of a degree over the last 20 years. Now, this would be fine if we loved on a tough planet, like Mars, but our wimpy and 'fragile' Earth apparently can't take turning the heat up very slightly, and has responded by bunking off the cutest and fluffiest animals I can find.

Most people think that this increase of temperature is caused by humans, by their crazy obsession with digging things up and then burning them to release toxic gases into the atmosphere, an idea which even the famous essayist George Orwell said was "totally shit, man".

But a small but nonetheless loud and uneloquent minority believe that this is nonsense, that Global Warming is a government hoax, that the real reason that global temperatures are rising is due to a solar flare, or orbit fluctuation, or a butterfly flapping its wings in Mexico, or someone looking at Chuck Norris in the wrong way, or something like that.

(Yes, for the first time ever in Mark Geranium's blog, the author has stooped low enough to use a Chuck Norris joke. We do apologise. Really, we do.)

They believe that global warming has been pinned down to humans by almighty scientists because the government wants to spent huge amounts of money making the countryside look like something out of a Blade Runner film by putting massive turbines on it and stuff. One might argue why the government, in these tough and cash-strapped times, would bother to spend billions of pounds ($96) on something that doesn't exist, and why they would then go to the bother of covering it up, but oh well.

But then, the truth was revealed. An intrepid reporter of the Internet (a.k.a. me) was once Googling words that he thought sounded funny until he stumbled upon a report that finally and incontrivertibly proved that the supposed 'hoax' being made by the government was in fact a hoax by the government to convince people that Global Warming doesn't exist, even though it does, so they could slowly stop spending money on the environment and spend it on things that really matter, like refurbishing private schools.

Unfortunately, that article was then deleted by... THE GOVERNMENT! (as they now have to be called, exclamation mark and ellipsis included, due to a recent new law passed by... THE GOVERNMENT!) so you're just going to have to take my word that this is true and that I'm not talking out of my arse. Unfortunately, looking at the other stuff I've written on here, that might be quite difficult.

So rebel! Global warming is real! The hoax is a hoax! The cake is lie! (Oh dear Lord, a Portal joke? What's gotten into our once great writer?)

Anyway, thanks for reading. The end and all. Sorry if that article sounded a bit bitter, but... actually, I'm not going to apologise. Even though I already did. In fact, I'm sorry that I apologised. I'm sorry, but I don't apologise. Ever. Anyway, that's all. Get back to living your lives.

If you read this post upside down, you'll see an important message...

I was walking along the other day, and I saw a chicken walk across the road. Normaly, I wouldn't have found such a sight funny, but the chicken looked rather like Tom Harris, so I did laugh. Then I realised it WAS Tom in a chicken suit, so I laughed even harder. I nearly died of laughter when a KFC van pulled up and tried to cook him.

I bet PC Plod has an interesting post, why don't you go and read that? No? Why not? TRAITOR!! IF I HEAR YOU SAY THAT AGAIN, I'LL DRESS YOU UP IN A CHICKEN SUIT AND SEND YOU TO KFC! *Angry emoticon that I don't actually know how to put down*

Now I'm bored and tired, so I'm going back to sleep now.

CHICKEN CAESAR SALADS!! HAH HAH, GOT YOU AGAIN!!!

Today

My fellow Aluminums:

Today, is a day of change for our people. Today, is the day when a new era begins, and the ashes of the last is put in a pot on the mantel piece, next to the photo of William Shatner. Today, Lord Zaros takes his place among the seats of those who didn't want to sit on the lower level. Because Jeremy Clarkson was also sitting there.

Anyway, I shall now go and do something else. Farewell, my brave chicken caesar salads.

-L.Z.

The Beginning of the End of the End of the Beginning of the End

Hello there,

Mark here wanting to inform you that this blog is due to close. After some persuasion, I have decided not to delete the blog, but will simply change the ownership to a certain Lord whose second name begins with a Z. I may, however, delete some of the old posts on here.

The reason of this is that I do not think this blog is particularly relevant any more. I have a blog that's more regularly updated with more interesting stuff in it over here on Poetry Arty Stuff. Take a look, it's more of a personal creation but it's mostly more funny than some of the stuff I've posted on here.

That is all.

MG

OSAMA FOUND!!!! (Part 2 of 2)

Well, erm, sorry for the delay. It's just that there's been a colossal cock-up, in fact so colossal it can't just be a cock-up, we've decided to call it a cock-quake instead.

So what's the problem? Well, it turns out that the guy they imprisoned wasn't Osama bin Laden. In fact it was this guy:

This man's name is Victor Manuel Gerena, so we can see how he got mixed up with bin Laden. Well, President O'Barmy (see what I did there? My jokes are just too funny for words sometimes) made a public apology, and decided that he will take Gerena out of jail and back in the Norfolk shopping centre, in return for Britain giving him Tony Hayward's head in return.

For all you sillies, Tony Hayward is the head of BP, responsible for causing the second largest environmental disaster in history. The biggest disaster in environmental history, by the way, is the United States of America. So the English complied, chopped Hayward's head off (Hayward bizarrely bled oil, it was revealed later that he drunk it like water), and gave it to the Yankees to put on a stick. They gave the innocent Victor Manuel Gerena back, since he is of no need to anyone, especially the FBI.

So, I guess that wraps everything up then. Osama is possibly still at large (or more likely has been dead for a long time), so that completely justifies us going into Afghanistan, destroying their country and taking their oil. Although I has always wondered that since Bin Laden must have used a webcam to film his famous videos, and there is as everyone knows only one branch of Dixons in Afghanistan, they could simply track him down that way. But I'm overqualified to be in the American Government, so I guess I don't have a say.

And if you're scratching your head wondering where the joke is, it might help if you find out who Victor Manuel Gerena is. Go on. You've got the unlimited power of the Tinternet at your disposal. Or, if you're old-fashioned, use the Internet. But that thing's slow and clunky and very 90's.

OSAMA FOUND!!!! (Part 1 of 2)

HOLY MOLY MOTHER OF GOD! The USA has actually found somebody they've been looking for.

That's right, Usama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden, or Osama bin Laden for all you ignorances out there, has been found in a shopping centre in Hull.

Osama became part of the Public Enemies list after being apparently involved in the 11/9 scandal (we're Europeans here, we have the dates in the correct order).

But how was he found? Well, remember those podcasts that he did? The Military realised that a camera must have been used to film the podcasts. Research was done using new-fangled hyper-secret technology (otherwise known as Googleplex) to find out that there is only one Dixons in Afghanistan. They went to it, and asked if a man with a beard and a turban had ever bought a camera. It turned out there is only man with a beard and a turban in the whole of Afghanistan, and he'd moved to Hell (I mean Hull)! So they went into Hull Fenwick's, down to the Perfume aisle, where Osama was trying Eau du Toilette. They arrested him and that's the end of the story.

But enough of that, he's been found! The US are sharpening their gallows (sharpening? probably incorrect verb usage there). Anyway, stay tuned to this, because we'll be posting the next part after he's been executed... unless a really funny twist happens, of course!

NB:- Never take things Mark Geranium says too seriously...

So yeah, I've realised that I've been a little bit of a consumerist capitalist pig, by only posting newspaper articles on here to make money. So instead, I shall put some advertising on here, which I... still get paid for, but it's nice to have difference here, eh? Eh? EH? EH? Eh?

Anyway, let us continueth:

 

Postman Pat: acclaimed TV Personality, Actor and Neo-Nazi (as you can see from the picture above), is widening his horizons by starring in a brand new movie (or film, for those from Engerlandland). 

Postman Pat: With a Vengeance chronicles the story of a postman (named Pat), who has been posting the post for a long time, but when it turns out that his post has been lost by the Royal Mail handling services, he goes all-guns-a-blazing to hunt down and kill those who have caused this wronging. Expect torture, murder, and variously sized letters being shoved into various orifices of other people as punishment.

It premièred in Pett Bottom last week, and already it's got five stars:

 

The Guardian

 

The Times

 

The Telegraph

 

The Mirror

 

The Sun

The Daily Lies said - "A brilliant and unique film, but it failed to mention that immigrant hide in your post."

Blogger Mark Geranium described it as "an Absolutely... film."

And Astroids wrote - "HGHOILHOIKOF CHA NINKI!!!! LOLMEISTER9000 THE POSTYMAN PATTY PATCAKEFACE FILM IS THE BIGGEST NONKY ROCKER I'VE SINCE SINCE ME DADDEEE."

Find the film in a VHS bin near you!